2004-04-01||8:58 p.m.

::\Addicted to Tears/::

Happy April Fool's Day everyone!

I've got no clue how to do this entry. Should I do it the sad way (which I was feeling last night...) or the happy way (since today's supposed to be a whole joke)? Maybe I'll do a little of both. Maybe not. We'll see what comes out of these hands of mine.

The sadness wells up inside me, forming a knot in my throat. A knot that just will not go away, no matter how hard I try to push it down. It stays with me everyday, every night, growing larger with each passing second. I struggle inside myself, desperate to be rid of the lump. Everytime I am alone, I find the tears in my eyes.
I laugh when I am asked to, I smile when I am forced to. But they are never true. The feelings are so fake they look real. People get convinced, they laugh along, thinking I am fine. But it isn't so. It so isn't so. Everytime my mind is empty, even for a second, it drifts to you. And every moment I think of you, I think of what lies ahead and unconsciously, the tears will spring up.

I want to just curl up in my bed in the foetus position and cry. But, no, I cannot. I can only keep those tears inside, suppress them in my heart, hide them. I yearn to throw them out, stamp on them, make sure they never come alive again. Those troubles. The misery. Everything I hate. Just stamp them out of my life. Oh, how I wish I could. But, once again, I cannot.
I am afraid to let others see, frightened to let others know. What if they do not understand what I feel? What if they laugh at me instead, thinking my imagination is just too wild? What if they try to sympathise and try to comfort me, but sadden me more instead?

I am almost addicted to the misery. Almost addicted to the pain and the tears. Pull me out of this addiction, make me feel nice and complete once more.

Fayes

tide in || tide out

::\The End/:: - 2004-04-04
::\Thank You & Goodbye/:: - 2004-04-04
::\Guaranteed Promises/:: - 2004-04-03
::\Forgive Me/:: - 2004-04-02
::\A Prayer to the Angel of Tears/:: - 2004-04-01