2004-01-27||4:14 p.m.

::\Fly Away/::

I perch up on the cliff, looking down at the vast valley below. The sight of neverending horizon enthrals me, attracts me. My eyes follow the lines of the rolling hills, my nose the scent of the abundant greenery, my ears the whisper of the strong breeze. The yearning inside me grows over the years, and finally I just have to break free. I hop a little from my place on the cliff, then flap my wings, wings that have never felt air rush through them before. I let out a sharp cry, the cry of a free spirit, then feel the muscles in my legs strain as I lift off. The wind rushes through my feathers, ruffling them violently. The freedom felt so... innocent, so... pure, so... new. I moved my wings once more, but instead of moving forward, I feel a sharp jerk, then am suddenly pulled backwards. I scream, shocked. Then, blackness blankets over me.
The sound of birds twittering brings me back to my senses. I feel the urge to reply them, to tell them that I can fly too, that I too am like them. But, as I open my beak, I remember the tug and the blackness and immediately close it again. What had happened? I struggle to a comfortable position, then tilt my head to look at my wings. They were fine, just a little ruffled by the strong wind. Suddenly, a shimmery glimmer catches my eye. I turn further to focus on the glint, then see something metallic. I hop closer to investigate, then realise it was a chain. I let out a frightened, choked cry, stumbling backwards as I did so. I traced the chain with my eye, and realised with a start that it connected with one of my legs. I jingled the chain, trying to get it off. Was this strange thing the thing which gave me that hard jerk? Was this strange thing the one that held me back? I pulled my leg, eager to get further from the chain, but fail to escape. I let out a sharp shriek, trying to scare the strange thing away. I panic, flapping my wings wildly, but not taking off. No. It can't be! It can't be... I can fly. I am born to fly! I can't be held back by this mere chain. No... No! Let me go! Let me fly away...

Please do... just let me fly away. Just do that. Just let me fly away, and never return to this cruel world. *Sighs* Why must life be so... hard to live at times? I mean, ain't life just an experiment? It's just something given to one to experiment with, to try things out with. Why must sorrow come with it?! Why must hardship come with it?! Why must death, leaving and parting come with it? Why can't it be all smooth sailing? *Sighs* Sometimes, I just really don't understand.
So yea, my dad's back in Hong Kong now and I practically cried myself to sleep last night. *Shrugs* I ain't a baby, I know, I ain't a toddler either. But, hey, that's what I usually do. I mean, geez, I feel sad, I cry. Any problems with that? Goshens... sometimes, I just want to curl up in a corner with someone who really understands me and just... I don't know... just cry. But, apparently, that can't be done, because no one would have that much time and I don't have that much time to waste either. And I would probably make the other person feel sad too. Geezers... how selfish of me to even think of that idea. >.< Sometimes, it's just like I'm left alone to stand. Something like... a feeble tree left to fend for itself in a hurricane. Gawd... it just feels SO awful at times. >.< It feels as if I can be uprooted and carried away to who-knows-where anytime. And... no one will know the way back. 8S I just feel so scared I will get lost... and not make it back to homeground. And well, that feeling sucks alright... it jolly well does suck. >.< *Sighs* I just need someone who will sit down, listen to me and never leave. I mean, hey yea... there is comings and goings, but geezers, why can't one, just one, just stay put and NEVER leave?! Well yea, I may not be that easy to tolerate and all, but goshens... I just need someone who will always be there when I need him/her. Just someone. Anyone. Someone who will not pull in his/her troubles when I'm talking about mine. Someone who will not interrupt. Someone who will not say comforting things just to cheer me up, but hug me and not say anything. You know all those phrases and sentences about best friends and all? Well, hey, I've got no best friend, so face it. No one will do that for me. And well, yea, I've got DJ. But, it's just different. A boyfriend and a best friend. It's so different. Geezers, lotsa people say a best friend can't be your boyfriend or a boyfriend just isn't your best friend. I guess that is kinda true. I mean, yea, I tell him practically everything, but it just ain't the same feeling as a best friend. Best friends come over and stay for the night... best friends stick together and almost never fight (not that DJ doesn't do that...)... best friends can share their deepest secrets and be sure that the other does not tell. That I can't exactly do with DJ, I guess. Just not yet. I know I know... I'm just being selfish, cos DJ's always being frank with me and all. But, well, I'm just... conservative and all, so yea. I don't feel the need to tell him everything and stuffies. Am I contradicting or what? *Sighs* Argh, just forget it... life'll NEVER work out for me. >.<
Sometimes, I think back to last month... the month I spent in HK. And, goshens... those flashbacks suck big time. Trust me! I will just have this huge urge to cry, then after that, I'll be totally fine. O.O It's weird... but, gawd... they're just so horrifying... I mean, the memories and all. I felt so friggenly lonely there. Yea, I know, there was my family and all, but geezers, it ain't the same. Why can't family and friends exist in the same places in my life like they do in other lives?! >.< That's a fact I just TOTALLY don't understand. *Sighs* If anyone out there knows the answer, please tell me why.
Now, I don't know why I'm typing this when I'm supposed to be studying my Chemistry. *Rolls eyes* My Maths too, for that matter. There's also Chinese spelling, but who cares for that one. Urgh! It's just so frustrating, how these tests just seem to go on and on and on and never stop. *Sighs* Alright, enough of this nonsensical nonsense now. DJ's out with his class now... so yea. I'm just stuck here, trying to concentrate on my Chemistry. *Shrugs* Nothing so fascinating about it, isn't it? Ain't that what we teens usually do? Just stick around, trying to get at whatever that gets past, just trying to survive? *Shrugs*
::\Fayes/::

tide in || tide out

::\The End/:: - 2004-04-04
::\Thank You & Goodbye/:: - 2004-04-04
::\Guaranteed Promises/:: - 2004-04-03
::\Forgive Me/:: - 2004-04-02
::\A Prayer to the Angel of Tears/:: - 2004-04-01